Kinship
The One Superpower Anyone Can Build
In 2023, Vivek Murthy, the former US Surgeon General warned that we have entered into an epidemic of loneliness. He stated that one in two American adults reported experiencing loneliness, and that the mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day — even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity. (source)
That was three years ago and I’d venture to say it’s gotten worse with the continued proliferation of social media and the juggernaut of AI encroaching on everything we do and see.
To be clear, this isn’t some luddite anti-technology, anti-AI post. But I do think it’s never been more important to be intentional about how much time and energy we devote to kinship.
Last month, I walked a portion of the Camino de Santiago with a group of entrepreneurs, coaches, and leaders. One of the exercises we did (for anyone that opted in) was to put them in the hot seat and give them feedback on anything they wanted. Since my hot seat was on our final day, I asked this cohort to give me feedback on how they experienced me over the course of the week we’d spent together.
They came back with words like: authentic, safe, awake, alive, humility, warmth, playful, generous, etc. I’ve heard some of these things before, however I’m not great at accepting compliments. I tend to disregard them for fear that it will go to my head and I’ll turn into some kind of Mr. Hyde egomaniac.
But that’s an old story. I’ve been a good friend/sponsor/coach/business partner for many years now and haven’t exploded into a horrible Hyde! And as a matter of fact, I’m so used to being good at kinship, that I didn’t even consider it a superpower. I’ve become like a fish swimming in water who doesn’t know what water is.
As I look at the traits above like awake or safe, I think to myself, that’s the kind of person I want to be around. And when I think of the relationships that have been the most impactful and enjoyable in my life, they are characterized by these same traits.
I’m using the word kinship to describe the many types of relationships we might find ourselves in: friendship, partnership, mentorship, etc. But here’s how Wikipedia defines it:
kinship
/ˈkinˌSHip/
Beyond strict biological and legal definitions, kinship is also used informally to describe an emotional affinity, connection, or shared sense of identity between people with similar backgrounds, experiences, or beliefs.
Clearly, not everyone in your life will possess these traits…but they could. Unlike IQ or raw talent, kinship can be established and improved at any stage of our lives. It’s not static in the way intellectual capacity is. And even better, is that kinship as a superpower is a force multiplier for all your existing superpowers.
Smart? That’s great.
Smart + authentic + compassionate? That’s seriously kick ass.
Strategic? Cool.
Strategic + kind + generous? You’ll find success much faster than most!
You know what else gets better when you apply the superpower of kinship? Your lived experience of work and life. It actually feels better to be kind or compassionate or generous. Not to mention, you are almost guaranteed to have more impact on others which leads to a greater sense of personal fulfillment.
When I think about the leaders and leadership teams I’ve been working with for the past few years, I’m reminded of all the leadership advice that tells us what not to do. But working on kinship feels like building something new.
When I look at our relationships, I think there are three primary types where we can be better at kinship.
Our relationship with ourselves.
Our one-on-one relationships. (think significant other, business partner, sibling, etc.)
Our relationships with groups of people. (think teams, neighbors, family, community).
Each one of these relationships requires us to show up a little differently (although there is often overlap). For instance, the relationship with yourself probably requires a little more kindness and compassion. Your relationship with large groups of people likely requires a greater degree of authenticity. And your 1:1 relationships will always benefit from a greater degree of honesty.
We'll go deep on each of these. For now, let me leave you with one more thought.
In 1936, Dale Carnegie wrote one of the best selling books of all time, How To Win Friends and Influence People. In it, he promises to help you “win people to your way of thinking”, “how to change people without giving offense”, and “six ways to make people like you.” I’m not saying the book is bad, clearly it’s resonated with hundreds of thousands of readers. But what I’m suggesting isn’t so transactional and certainly not meant to be manipulative.
Kinship, in my way of thinking, is about showing up as our best possible selves, in relationship. I’ve long said that I believe that personal development IS professional development and this is what I’m talking about. It’s not enough to be charming at a work dinner. We need to be curious about the other, to treat them in ways we want to be treated, to follow up, to give and receive feedback, to put in the hours it takes to be someone that people genuinely trust and feel safe around and will come to for sage advice when they need it.
Without question, the best leaders, entrepreneurs, and founders I have ever worked with have a strong sense of kinship. They are curious about me. They make me feel comfortable with their words and actions. They make me laugh and they make space for me to cry. They are vulnerable themselves and honest and I don’t get weird energy coming from them that doesn’t match their words.
That kind of presence… that makes people feel alive and heard…is exactly what’s at stake as we navigate what comes next. Look, as we hurl faster and farther into a world so heavily influenced by technology and artificial intelligence, I think it’s critical to invest some thought and time into our relationships. The personal ones, the professional ones, the community ones, and so on.
Big props to my good friend Fiona for helping me see what I couldn’t see about myself…and for the word “kinship”! Check out her Substack here!
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